‘Suddenlies’ and the ripple effects of loss
I recently shared this in my newsletter. I thought someone who doesn’t subscribe to the letter may find it helpful.
At 5 pm on Saturday the 20th of November 1993 we were a family of five. At 7 pm we finally acknowledged that we were now a family of three. Suddenly, our world changed – dramatically. It wasn’t until many years later that I was able to look back and see the ripple effects of that sudden loss on me, on our family and on the choices I made.
In this past year particularly, I’ve spoken with many people who experienced the sudden death of a family member or close friend. And in just the past week seven people told me about the sudden loss of a loved one.
‘We were doing the dishes, chatting and laughing, when suddenly, he collapsed. I know first aid, but I couldn’t revive him. They told me it was a massive heart attack.’
‘We were out on our boat. He loved fishing. He threw a line out, then collapsed back into the boat. I thought he was messing around. He wasn’t. It was awful. We were out of any mobile phone reception area. I didn’t know what to do, so I Iet off one of the flares we kept on the boat just in case. I had to row us back to shore. It was so hard, knowing that he …’
‘Mum had cancer, and they said it was under control, that she was in remission. Then just a few weeks later, Dad called. I could barely make out what he was saying. When he arrived home from work, he found her in her chair. He thought she was asleep.’
These are just some of the ‘suddenly’ stories I’ve heard, although not necessarily any of the ones I’ve heard recently.
There are lots of causes of sudden and unexpected death, but whatever the cause it adds extra dimensions of grief to the person or persons who experience the loss. Everything changes in a split second, and this challenges the person’s emotional world.
This isn’t the place to talk extensively about the impact of grief. I only mention it because with so many sudden deaths, I’m also seeing the ripple effect of these ‘suddenlies’. And its these ripple effects that are often discounted so that the grieving person feels disenfranchised, unable to openly mourn the loss that is so big for them. It’s why I wrote ‘A Grief Revealed’ a couple of years ago. I was seeing too many people who had added trauma because they felt unable to grieve openly, to grieve in their way, the losses they had experienced.
Grief is a normal response to any kind of loss, and it is so important when dealing with sudden and unexpected death, to be able to feel and express the grief. It takes time though, and it can be painful as you search for a way to make sense of what has happened.
“We live in a world that tells us to put on a happy face and look at everything through a positive lens.’ Don’t worry, be happy’ is a well-known mantra. We also know that whingeing and complaining alienates others and keeps us stuck in a negative place. Pennebaker suggests we confront trauma, and the negative emotions associated with it. Events that lead to grief are often traumatic in some way. If we have an awareness of the emotions that are a normal part of the grief experience, and if we can accept them, can continue to confront them through talking, and, or, writing about them, it leads to developing that coherent story and, according to Pennebaker, a resolution of the trauma.’ A Grief Revealed, p.123.
Writing and sharing my story has helped me tremendously. First though, I had to make a deliberate choice to face the pain associated with doing that. You need good support when you do grief work, so if you are on this journey, make sure you seek help if you need it. And be patient.
If you feel comfortable, share with me a little of your grief experience.
I’m with you on the journey,
Karen