When dreams die and plans come to nothing.
A little over four years ago, in March 2020, I had surgery for removal of a large synovial cyst. The cyst was located between discs L5 and S1. Over a period of time the pressure on the sciatic nerve increased so much that it became almost impossible for me to walk more than a few metres, I struggled to sit, to stand and bed time became something I dreaded. Before this monster landed in my life, I walked more than a few kilometres every day, and loved nothing more than a good bush walk. I was very active until all of a sudden I couldn’t be anymore.
For a few months before this happened, we had been planning a trip to Europe to walk part of the Camino de Santiago, followed by some walking in Andalucia, and then to go on to a place called Ffald-y-Brenin in Wales for a retreat, before walking some trails in Wales.
The neurosurgeon I saw took pity on me and decided to fit me in for surgery in March so I would be ready to do all that walking in May of 2020. Well … a verse I came to consider often when we learned Spanish is: El hombre propone y Dios dispone. It’s from Proverbs 16, and essentially means that we make plans, but it is God’s grace that enables us to accomplish them.
Surgery was successful, and I was so grateful to leave the hospital free from pain. But … surgery was on March 12th, and we returned to Tasmania on the 14th, only to find that our borders closed on the 16th! From then things got worse and it became impossible for us to go anywhere because of all the restrictions on travel.
Fast forward to 2024. We had decided after the previous debacle that we wouldn’t bother trying to go out of Australia again. It was too much of a hassle. But … I’d been thinking about book 3 in the Paradise Cove Series and decided it would be great to go back to Ireland with a view to researching for this book. And, once I’d decided that would probably be okay, well, I asked myself why couldn’t we then hop over to Spain and do part of the Camino walk? It sounded like a great plan, and certainly possible.
About a month later I began to notice symptoms very similar to those I had before the surgery in 2020. I brushed them off and persevered with walking and Pilates, hoping the activities would cause the odd feelings in my legs and back to go away. But they didn’t, and here we are. I’m waiting to have an MRI. I need the scan to ascertain exactly what is happening so I can decide what treatment might be best.
When I was out walking a week or so ago, I took the photo you see with these jottings. The verse I mentioned above has come to mind frequently over the past couple of months and especially in the past week as the pain is intensifiying and the debilitating nature of whatever is going on can be frightening. The photo reminds me that while we can make plans, we really only know what will happen in this moment. We can see some of the story but not all of it.
Instead of booking to go overseas next year, we have booked to go to mainland Australia. The plan is that we’ll take the caravan and head across to Western Australia with some friends. I’m aware though, that El hombre propone y Dios dispone. I have no idea what will happen with my back. It’s taking forever to get in for an MRI, and then, depending on the results, it could take ages to get in to see a neurosurgeon if I need to. Will we make the trip to the west? Should I make plans to go to Ireland? Should I give up on my dream to walk the Camino?
I’m reminded that even if I don’t get to do any of the above things, I have so much to be grateful for. I just have to look out my window as I write this to be reminded of how blessed I am to be living where we live, to have the wonderful family and friends I have, and to have such a supportive church family. So if I can’t get to Ireland or Spain, or even to Western Australia, there are still beautiful sunsets to see from out front veranda, birds that sing with joy every day all around my home, and so far I can still do short morning walks, and sometimes, I can even do some Pilates stretches!
It’s okay to have plans and to dream. In fact we need to do that. For now there are so many unknowns. But one thing is certain. God’s plans for me will never fail. I can hold on to that, and despite the struggles, I can rejoice in His goodness, knowing that as, each day, I step a little more deeply into the unknown, because He is God, He’s already there waiting for me and He will guide and lead me in the way I should go.